[ well that didn't quite go the way that lavi hoped that did but the end result is one that he'll accept. unlike the story that he has been trying to communicate, this one where the journey to get to the end is just as important as where they end up. it's why that lavi is able to somewhat drop the guise of dressing up his words to be anything other than what they are. ]
Their sins are too great to be ever be forgiven but they don't wish to be forgiven. It doesn't even matter.
[ truth, they've always spoken the truth about everything that there was to be said. however, it's always, always been about the perspective of the one who is doing the talking. ]
The only thing they want is freed— [ the consequences of lavi's actions for speaking a bit too candidly as this part of what he wanted to say has been ripped from him. at least canatrella doesn't have to guess what would have been there. lavi has been saying it in so many different ways at this point. ] —children.
[ unfortunately for lavi, he doesn't catch on that his words have been taken from him while continues to speak. still, this is far less gibberish that cantarella has to deal with compared as to other poor victims. ]
[Whether it matters or not is a quibble for another day, she thinks, but that's more than enough philosophy to pour in. Too many ingredients in a bubbling cauldron will spoil the concoction.]
And the edits... little by little, deletion? But then, if that was the only way to edit, you could simply delete everything and run to the end.
[Cantarella begins to muse, but that thought evaporates as Lavi devolves. Just as quickly as his candor came on, he's back to collapsing parable...and this one really is collapsing, adamant and saying something that twists back on itself.]
I think I lost you, dear. Tap, tap. Still with me?
Again, huh? And I thought that I was doing so well.
[ when cantarella says things are collapsing that's when lavi realizes that his attempts to work around his limitations have fallen through. though, maybe it's fine. he was able to get a lot across...even if it's a simple message.
it's just this one final piece. this insignificant but important piece of context for the rest of what he has been trying to say. ]
I wonder if it'll work if I just keep things simple—to go back to my opinion.
[ what do they say? keep it simple, stupid?? hopefully this is simple enough that it'll be fine. ]
My thoughts on Sika Madu is that they're someone who doesn't care. They've always told us the truth but what they mean and what we believe do not align.
You were. So very well, in fact. Think of how much there was to spindle into metaphor and how well you performed it.
[He shouldn't feel bad that only now, at the finish line, were there some threads still left to be tucked in. The tapestry he wove was detailed enough.
Cantarella listens to his direct and simple statement, her expression becoming slightly obscure. It's only a pause as she runs through everything she's been told and everything she knows in her mind. Oh, to have an eidetic memory, rather than simply a strong one.]
Your latest message arrived loud and clear. [Since he hasn't spoken since though, she can't help but nudge him afterward.] Hopefully at no great cost to yourself, hm?
[ oh the misery of having an eidetic memory, you mean. all of the information at his fingertips but having it all stripped from him in uneven cuts or selectively removed from the understanding of others.
either way, he's pleased to learn that returning to the more "humble" roots of his message seems to be working out. ...admittedly, cantarella is getting to experience this after lavi has spent some time realizing which words can and which can't get him into trouble. he easily brushes off her concern with a soft click of his "tongue".
so be it; if frankness is what is getting through then he'll just keep being frank. ]
Whatever the cost to me is fine as long as it spares us from being dragged into this endless and pointless acts of insanity. If someone wants to join them in that descent then that's in their right.
[ an "editor" that keeps going back to edit the same story until it reaches the end—but not just any end. the end they desire. and it's insanity, isn't it? expecting to get a different result after doing the same thing time and time again... ]
I'm not interested in being part of the collateral damage.
A fate that nearly all of us would want to reject, I should hope.
[Though she'd never assume, and she'd certainly never assume "all."]
I've played along without much regard for the "rules" until now, and perhaps along the way I'll think of another door to open. But it still needs time to brew.
... How long, in your opinion? [See what she's trying to do there? Well, it might not work, but she's playing the very razor edge of these rules, too.] Until this manuscript gets its next pass?
[ this is the funniest thing that she could have asked him in regards to this, actually, but it's fine? actually not fine because while lavi is happy that they're back on the same track on things—this question is going to give him some trouble because.
well. uhhh. hm. when he speaks again, it'll be with some agitation and mild frustration. ]
...not much time left. [ a restless tap of his foot. ] Someone...made a deal with Sika Madu.
[ a pause as lavi considers and weighs his options. all the things he could say and yet... if he could interact with the physical world, the tapping of his foot would come off as even more restless and agitated. ]
I don't know the exact details of the terms, but the Sika Madu's side of the bargain was for them to put an end to all of this early in exchange of sheltering them.
[Thumping his foot like a little rabbit... Lavi, do be careful. The ears might not go away so quickly next time.]
"Someone" who's made you rather cross with your deal...Though it's difficult to tell whether it's the someone or the deal that vexes you more.
[The irritation speaks to the former, if she's honest, but given all that Lavi is trying to prevent, well, irritation with either would be equally justified.]
What a complicated dance of death this is turning out to be. What would you call what we want to achieve, if not also "ending it early?"
[ it's fine, maybe people will find him even more loveable if he were to have those rabbit ears consistently. though, cantarella gets her answer of which likely frustrated him more whether she truly intended to or not. the tapping of his foot stops as his shadow grows in size as he loses his grip on his agitation for a brief moment. his voice tense and aggressive. ]
I think it's irresponsible to make a deal that is set up to absolutely take advantage of the things that they don't say instead of the things that they do say! There is nothing to leverage; they're preying on people with false promises and hopes.
[ despite the way he quickly snaps at cantarella, it was never about her and she isn't deserving of it, he just as quickly simmers (shrinks) down, deflates, and tries to refocus on what she's asking of him. and...well... isn't that the problem.
a problem with a difficult solution. a problem specifically for those who are still "at risk" verses those who are "safe". ]
We should want to end things on our terms and not by their's.
[It doesn't cause her to flinch or recoil when he rises up, dark and terrifying against the backdrop of the opposite egg. Lavi doesn't seem to ever get angry.
That's right, she remembers, through a fog. He hadn't even seemed that angry when he was bitten...and then, of course, he'd darted away.]
It's fascinating. I don't think I've heard you stall out once since you started speaking so directly. Of course, it makes sense. That's indifference at play, isn't it? [Only certain, rather self-centered things, seem the most off-limits.]
...If the terms of the deal are as lopsided and ill-defined as your estimation of them sounds, it's probably come from someone well-intentioned but who doesn't normally make them. [She'd lose her title if she tried to cut such a deal.] ...And put us in quite a bind.
[ it's very kind of cantarella for not getting upset with him when he blew up on her; he would have accepted any sort of chiding from her for taking out his aggression on someone who didn't deserve it—however brief it was.
but he also realizes that his words make it through when he speaks more directly about certain topics. it's still hard to say what about it that allows his words to go through. ]
It does. [ he lets out a long sigh (despite not having anymore lungs or a need to). ] I can't fault them for making the deal when they did with the knowledge that they had even if I wanted to. I wouldn't have done the same, but I'm not like them.
[ his shadow will run a hand through his "hair" and ruffle it as he grumbles in discontent before a response. ]
I don't know what's the best way to move forward from here when we're at this much of a disadvantage. [ ... ] I certainly have no desire to work against the person who made that contract.
Then it sounds like you believe their intentions are still pure.
[If he doesn't want to work against them, then his anger must not be enough to destroy that bond, either.]
But I will not lie down and burn, either. So... I'll go back to a question I've been asking myself since that very first week--if it is possible to interrupt the flow somehow, unbind the wheel.
You have your own lens to look through, so I must have my own here, too, right? In these few days we have remaining to us, what should I look for? [That seems structured in a way that's answerable for the shadow, since it doesn't ask for the forbidden knowledge, just...the perspective she will need to assume.]
I do; they don't give me any reason to not think so.
[ there's some resignation in his voice as he says this because he can't bring himself to hold a grudge against this person. they did what they believed was right; anyone and everyone is fallible to that.
as for the other question that she asks him, lavi's back to the foot tapping as he tries to think of what could be helpful. they're still unable to find an ideal way to break free from the story or guide it to where it favors them, but. ]
Perhaps...a way to force their hand but not to the point where we have to restart again. Influence who this story is being dedicated to.
Oh, in this scenario, should it happen, I don't believe I'd find myself in a physical altercation. I prefer not to fight unless it's absolutely necessary.
[But she also moves, a bit quickly, driven by her care for him even though he's a shadowman. It's a little too evocative of the care she showed that first night, but it is, of course, one of her core memories of him.]
...Are you all right? In your condition, can you be harmed?
[ god what a statement to make. it doesn't get any bit easier no matter how many times he has said it. but it's also nice to have another memory of their first meeting sort of play out similarly. it's comforting in some way. ]
However, there's a limit to how much damage that I can actually receive and all of goes away after spending some time as a shadow.
[ but there are also multiple ways to hurt a person. shadow. car. whatever he is these days. ]
[I'M SORRY DID HE TRY TO PLOW INTO SIKA MADU AS A CAR
Anyway. There are far too many ways to hate a person, as a shadow or otherwise. That doesn't even need any agreement from her to be true.]
I've never made a potion for a car before...or a shadow, for that matter. Though at least shadows exist on Solaris. So do be careful, as it may take me some time to come up with something. [Cars have just basically been obliterated, but they did exist, but don't worry about it.] If push comes to shove, which is more comfortable for you to spend your time?
I'll be fine. There's very little that can happen to me that would require any sort of conventional treatment; one of the goods things about my current state.
[ please, there are people who will need to be treated and he's just a little beep beep honk honk kind of guy. ]
It might be due to bad habits, but I prefer being a shadow than a car. Even if I can't touch anything, I can go wherever I want with ease.
[ unless it's a pitch black room then he is in suffering. ]
[She's glad to hear, at least, that he feels a little comfortable as a shadow, even if it isn't the ideal. It is better, at least, than being in constant torment and pain.
A small comfort, for either of them, but she'll let it be what it is.]
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Their sins are too great to be ever be forgiven but they don't wish to be forgiven. It doesn't even matter.
[ truth, they've always spoken the truth about everything that there was to be said. however, it's always, always been about the perspective of the one who is doing the talking. ]
The only thing they want is freed— [ the consequences of lavi's actions for speaking a bit too candidly as this part of what he wanted to say has been ripped from him. at least canatrella doesn't have to guess what would have been there. lavi has been saying it in so many different ways at this point. ] —children.
[ unfortunately for lavi, he doesn't catch on that his words have been taken from him while continues to speak. still, this is far less gibberish that cantarella has to deal with compared as to other poor victims. ]
—that's only what has only ever mattered.
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And the edits... little by little, deletion? But then, if that was the only way to edit, you could simply delete everything and run to the end.
[Cantarella begins to muse, but that thought evaporates as Lavi devolves. Just as quickly as his candor came on, he's back to collapsing parable...and this one really is collapsing, adamant and saying something that twists back on itself.]
I think I lost you, dear. Tap, tap. Still with me?
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[ when cantarella says things are collapsing that's when lavi realizes that his attempts to work around his limitations have fallen through. though, maybe it's fine. he was able to get a lot across...even if it's a simple message.
it's just this one final piece. this insignificant but important piece of context for the rest of what he has been trying to say. ]
I wonder if it'll work if I just keep things simple—to go back to my opinion.
[ what do they say? keep it simple, stupid?? hopefully this is simple enough that it'll be fine. ]
My thoughts on Sika Madu is that they're someone who doesn't care. They've always told us the truth but what they mean and what we believe do not align.
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[He shouldn't feel bad that only now, at the finish line, were there some threads still left to be tucked in. The tapestry he wove was detailed enough.
Cantarella listens to his direct and simple statement, her expression becoming slightly obscure. It's only a pause as she runs through everything she's been told and everything she knows in her mind. Oh, to have an eidetic memory, rather than simply a strong one.]
Your latest message arrived loud and clear. [Since he hasn't spoken since though, she can't help but nudge him afterward.] Hopefully at no great cost to yourself, hm?
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either way, he's pleased to learn that returning to the more "humble" roots of his message seems to be working out. ...admittedly, cantarella is getting to experience this after lavi has spent some time realizing which words can and which can't get him into trouble. he easily brushes off her concern with a soft click of his "tongue".
so be it; if frankness is what is getting through then he'll just keep being frank. ]
Whatever the cost to me is fine as long as it spares us from being dragged into this endless and pointless acts of insanity. If someone wants to join them in that descent then that's in their right.
[ an "editor" that keeps going back to edit the same story until it reaches the end—but not just any end. the end they desire. and it's insanity, isn't it? expecting to get a different result after doing the same thing time and time again... ]
I'm not interested in being part of the collateral damage.
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[Though she'd never assume, and she'd certainly never assume "all."]
I've played along without much regard for the "rules" until now, and perhaps along the way I'll think of another door to open. But it still needs time to brew.
... How long, in your opinion? [See what she's trying to do there? Well, it might not work, but she's playing the very razor edge of these rules, too.] Until this manuscript gets its next pass?
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well. uhhh. hm. when he speaks again, it'll be with some agitation and mild frustration. ]
...not much time left. [ a restless tap of his foot. ] Someone...made a deal with Sika Madu.
[ a pause as lavi considers and weighs his options. all the things he could say and yet... if he could interact with the physical world, the tapping of his foot would come off as even more restless and agitated. ]
I don't know the exact details of the terms, but the Sika Madu's side of the bargain was for them to put an end to all of this early in exchange of sheltering them.
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"Someone" who's made you rather cross with your deal...Though it's difficult to tell whether it's the someone or the deal that vexes you more.
[The irritation speaks to the former, if she's honest, but given all that Lavi is trying to prevent, well, irritation with either would be equally justified.]
What a complicated dance of death this is turning out to be. What would you call what we want to achieve, if not also "ending it early?"
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I think it's irresponsible to make a deal that is set up to absolutely take advantage of the things that they don't say instead of the things that they do say! There is nothing to leverage; they're preying on people with false promises and hopes.
[ despite the way he quickly snaps at cantarella, it was never about her and she isn't deserving of it, he just as quickly simmers (shrinks) down, deflates, and tries to refocus on what she's asking of him. and...well... isn't that the problem.
a problem with a difficult solution. a problem specifically for those who are still "at risk" verses those who are "safe". ]
We should want to end things on our terms and not by their's.
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That's right, she remembers, through a fog. He hadn't even seemed that angry when he was bitten...and then, of course, he'd darted away.]
It's fascinating. I don't think I've heard you stall out once since you started speaking so directly. Of course, it makes sense. That's indifference at play, isn't it? [Only certain, rather self-centered things, seem the most off-limits.]
...If the terms of the deal are as lopsided and ill-defined as your estimation of them sounds, it's probably come from someone well-intentioned but who doesn't normally make them. [She'd lose her title if she tried to cut such a deal.] ...And put us in quite a bind.
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but he also realizes that his words make it through when he speaks more directly about certain topics. it's still hard to say what about it that allows his words to go through. ]
It does. [ he lets out a long sigh (despite not having anymore lungs or a need to). ] I can't fault them for making the deal when they did with the knowledge that they had even if I wanted to. I wouldn't have done the same, but I'm not like them.
[ his shadow will run a hand through his "hair" and ruffle it as he grumbles in discontent before a response. ]
I don't know what's the best way to move forward from here when we're at this much of a disadvantage. [ ... ] I certainly have no desire to work against the person who made that contract.
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[If he doesn't want to work against them, then his anger must not be enough to destroy that bond, either.]
But I will not lie down and burn, either. So... I'll go back to a question I've been asking myself since that very first week--if it is possible to interrupt the flow somehow, unbind the wheel.
You have your own lens to look through, so I must have my own here, too, right? In these few days we have remaining to us, what should I look for? [That seems structured in a way that's answerable for the shadow, since it doesn't ask for the forbidden knowledge, just...the perspective she will need to assume.]
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[ there's some resignation in his voice as he says this because he can't bring himself to hold a grudge against this person. they did what they believed was right; anyone and everyone is fallible to that.
as for the other question that she asks him, lavi's back to the foot tapping as he tries to think of what could be helpful. they're still unable to find an ideal way to break free from the story or guide it to where it favors them, but. ]
Perhaps...a way to force their hand but not to the point where we have to restart again. Influence who this story is being dedicated to.
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[She says it with her little tendril of a smile, like it might very well be a joke.]
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I... I would highly suggest that you don't do that.
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Really? What a shame. I thought it would at least carve a new path for us, regardless of what else needed to be done.
But something else would catalyze from this, I'm to take it?
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Let's just say that I have, uh, personal experiences with how poorly physical confrontation with Sika Madu goes.
[ thinks. ]
I know that they've shown up with injuries but truthfully I haven't paid too much attention or bothered to care as to the source of those.
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[But she also moves, a bit quickly, driven by her care for him even though he's a shadowman. It's a little too evocative of the care she showed that first night, but it is, of course, one of her core memories of him.]
...Are you all right? In your condition, can you be harmed?
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[ god what a statement to make. it doesn't get any bit easier no matter how many times he has said it. but it's also nice to have another memory of their first meeting sort of play out similarly. it's comforting in some way. ]
However, there's a limit to how much damage that I can actually receive and all of goes away after spending some time as a shadow.
[ but there are also multiple ways to hurt a person. shadow. car. whatever he is these days. ]
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Anyway. There are far too many ways to hate a person, as a shadow or otherwise. That doesn't even need any agreement from her to be true.]
I've never made a potion for a car before...or a shadow, for that matter. Though at least shadows exist on Solaris. So do be careful, as it may take me some time to come up with something. [Cars have just basically been obliterated, but they did exist, but don't worry about it.] If push comes to shove, which is more comfortable for you to spend your time?
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I'll be fine. There's very little that can happen to me that would require any sort of conventional treatment; one of the goods things about my current state.
[ please, there are people who will need to be treated and he's just a little beep beep honk honk kind of guy. ]
It might be due to bad habits, but I prefer being a shadow than a car. Even if I can't touch anything, I can go wherever I want with ease.
[ unless it's a pitch black room then he is in suffering. ]
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A small comfort, for either of them, but she'll let it be what it is.]
What about your feelings, Lavi?
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My feelings?
[ there are both question marks and rabbit ears that pop up on his head. that... was not a question he was expecting to be asked. ]
What about them?
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[Mental health is also health!]
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[ damn imagine someone caring for your mental health tho??? ]
That's fine, too.
[ mostly. ]
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the way this week sort of feels the way lavi predicted because of everyone losing it
PLEASE NOT LIKE THIS